Anniversaries should be joy-filled. They should be celebrative, marked with cheers and laughter. Whether one is celebrating a wedding date or the date you got the job or anything else ... to me, 'anniversary' means 'happy.'
So should I call today an anniversary?
Exactly 2 years ago today we found out that Suzy had a brain tumor. I remember sitting in the little room at St. Peters Hospital as if it happened yesterday. Those words - "You have a tumor in your brain" - echo loudly in my head and still send shivers down my back. Even two years out (and a great deal of change and growth has happened in those two years) I remember those words and I am still right back to the emotional, angry, sobbing, struggling person I was on February 8, 2010.
And yet today is joy-filled. There is celebration and cheering, laughter and smiles. I praise God that Suzy is alive and vibrant and enjoying life. Beating all odds and defying the statistics, today she is giving and loving, growing and serving. That is worth celebrating.
I celebrate the myriad ways God has shown up in our lives. I thought I had a pretty good faith walk. But the last 2 years have taken me in to a deeper, more intimate, more trusting, more life-giving, soul-nourishing walk than I even thought was possible before. That is worth celebrating.
Friends have loved us and cared for us well. The church family has encouraged and supported us. People all over the world have told us they are praying for us. Many have shared with us that Suzy's journey has inspired and encouraged them in a deeper walk with Jesus. That is worth celebrating too.
Every day is a precious gift. Every breath is a miracle. Every moment is an opportunity to let God's light shine in and through you. And that is worth celebrating as well.
So with tears streaming down my face yet again, I invite you to raise a glass with me. Let us make a toast to today and to the celebration of all God is and all God has given. Please pause with me in the midst of the toast to pray for the many, many GBM patients and their caregivers who are not able to celebrate so well today. "Jesus, please shower your grace on them." And I invite you to walk with me trusting God for tomorrow. I don't know how long we will celebrate or what new twists this journey will take. But I trust God to lead us and be with us no matter what. That trust is celebration also.
I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever.
Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.
We will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness.
Psalm 145:1,3,7
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Christmas Gifts
Christmas came a little early this year.
We met with the doctor this morning to get the results of Suzy's latest MRI. It has been 6 months since the last scan and this is the longest stretch (by far) we have gone without any medical appointments or interaction. The scan was clear - again! Our praise and gratitude to God who continues to bless us, overwhelm us and lavishes grace on us. We are humbled and so very grateful.
Suzy is in a very small group - a very tiny percentage of people who remain free from tumor progression long-term following treatment. This truth is not lost on us. We celebrate and rejoice in God's goodness that we experience. We are so grateful that Suzy vibrantly and enthusiastically embraces life every day. And while celebrating our good news today, we remember and pray for many, many for whom the news has not been so encouraging.
God sent His son in to the world to bring light to darkness and hope to those in despair. The prophet Isaiah said that the people walking in darkness have seen a great light (9:2). Paul said that the mystery of the ages is now known,which is Christ in you, the hope of glory (Colossians 1:26-27). Whether the news today was good or not so good, we know that God is still the same - a God of light and hope. Our world desperately needs to know this message. May God's light and hope ring out in our lives this Christmas and every day.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13
Merry Christmas everyone!!!
We met with the doctor this morning to get the results of Suzy's latest MRI. It has been 6 months since the last scan and this is the longest stretch (by far) we have gone without any medical appointments or interaction. The scan was clear - again! Our praise and gratitude to God who continues to bless us, overwhelm us and lavishes grace on us. We are humbled and so very grateful.
Suzy is in a very small group - a very tiny percentage of people who remain free from tumor progression long-term following treatment. This truth is not lost on us. We celebrate and rejoice in God's goodness that we experience. We are so grateful that Suzy vibrantly and enthusiastically embraces life every day. And while celebrating our good news today, we remember and pray for many, many for whom the news has not been so encouraging.
God sent His son in to the world to bring light to darkness and hope to those in despair. The prophet Isaiah said that the people walking in darkness have seen a great light (9:2). Paul said that the mystery of the ages is now known,which is Christ in you, the hope of glory (Colossians 1:26-27). Whether the news today was good or not so good, we know that God is still the same - a God of light and hope. Our world desperately needs to know this message. May God's light and hope ring out in our lives this Christmas and every day.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13
Merry Christmas everyone!!!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Always
We are marking another one-year anniversary.
On 15th October 2010, Suzy swallowed her last chemotherapy medicine. It was the end of the treatment phase for her brain tumor. Of course, we didn't know it at the time. She was scheduled for 2 more chemo bursts in the coming months. Her blood counts were plummeting, however, after each burst. And it was decided later to cancel those final 2 bursts. Without Suzy (or anyone else) knowing it, she took her final chemo one year ago today.
As I reflect (again), I am reminded of God's promise to Jacob in Genesis 28:15, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go." Through the journey of the last year, the one thing (perhaps the only thing) that has been constant is God's presence. Sometimes he was quietly present and sometimes he was overwhelmingly present. Sometimes he was stunningly present. Sometimes he was surprisingly present. Always he was graciously, lovingly, abundantly present.
At times the sun shone brightly on the journey. There were experiences of serene confidence and joy in the beauty of each moment. At other times the wind howled and the waves crashed hard. The torrents of dark loneliness seemed to edge out any thought or hope of God's presence. Still, there he was. Faithfully. Unswervingly. Present. Always.
In the world of GBM, a year is a long, long time. I praise God every single day for the gift of life and breath. Suzy's vibrant, vivacious spirit continues to radiate, bringing joy to each person she encounters. Not for one second do I take that for granted. I cherish the gift God has given to us in this last year. I look ahead and pray for many, many more years.
But the one thing of which I remain certain is that God will always be with us. No matter the circumstances. Regardless of sunshine or storm, joy or pain. I remain confident that God will go with us. He will carry us when we are weak and nudge us when we are complacent. He will encourage us when we are down and celebrate with us when we are happy. But always, always, in every step ... present. With us. There are many things I don't know, but that is one thing I have learned and can acknowledge with absolute certainty.
The Psalmist also looked at the storms and struggles, the joys and celebrations. And he, too, acknowledged God's presence in it all:
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
...
The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress."
Psalm 46:1-3, 7
There are many things we want. But there is only one thing we need. And the one thing we need is the one thing God gives - His presence.
God is with us. Always.
On 15th October 2010, Suzy swallowed her last chemotherapy medicine. It was the end of the treatment phase for her brain tumor. Of course, we didn't know it at the time. She was scheduled for 2 more chemo bursts in the coming months. Her blood counts were plummeting, however, after each burst. And it was decided later to cancel those final 2 bursts. Without Suzy (or anyone else) knowing it, she took her final chemo one year ago today.
As I reflect (again), I am reminded of God's promise to Jacob in Genesis 28:15, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go." Through the journey of the last year, the one thing (perhaps the only thing) that has been constant is God's presence. Sometimes he was quietly present and sometimes he was overwhelmingly present. Sometimes he was stunningly present. Sometimes he was surprisingly present. Always he was graciously, lovingly, abundantly present.
At times the sun shone brightly on the journey. There were experiences of serene confidence and joy in the beauty of each moment. At other times the wind howled and the waves crashed hard. The torrents of dark loneliness seemed to edge out any thought or hope of God's presence. Still, there he was. Faithfully. Unswervingly. Present. Always.
In the world of GBM, a year is a long, long time. I praise God every single day for the gift of life and breath. Suzy's vibrant, vivacious spirit continues to radiate, bringing joy to each person she encounters. Not for one second do I take that for granted. I cherish the gift God has given to us in this last year. I look ahead and pray for many, many more years.
But the one thing of which I remain certain is that God will always be with us. No matter the circumstances. Regardless of sunshine or storm, joy or pain. I remain confident that God will go with us. He will carry us when we are weak and nudge us when we are complacent. He will encourage us when we are down and celebrate with us when we are happy. But always, always, in every step ... present. With us. There are many things I don't know, but that is one thing I have learned and can acknowledge with absolute certainty.
The Psalmist also looked at the storms and struggles, the joys and celebrations. And he, too, acknowledged God's presence in it all:
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
...
The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress."
Psalm 46:1-3, 7
There are many things we want. But there is only one thing we need. And the one thing we need is the one thing God gives - His presence.
God is with us. Always.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Trust@493
Today is day 493 of our journey. I've been pondering: what does it look like to live and walk in trust at this stage? Can I live and breathe and carry on each day of this journey in confident trust that God is good? Do I trust that where He is leading and how He is working is for my good and His glory? How have these 493 days shaped my faith?
The nurse oncologist called me today with the results of Suzy's MRI last week. "It all looks good! There is nothing of significance to report or worry about." I paused and offered a prayer of thanks and praise to God. Most certainly God is good. Most assuredly I praise and honor Him for this great news!
But it set me to thinking: would I react differently if the news was different? Would I have said 'thank you' to God if the nurse told me that the tumor was back? Would I be praising Him so boldly and confidently if we found ourselves dealing with recurrent glioblastoma? Would my faith and my trust show differently if we were on a different path of this journey?
Consider these truths: God is always good. God is always loving and gracious. God is holy and pure, strong and wise, powerful, pure and perfect. Always. Those truths do not change when our circumstances change. They are true whether the sun is shining or if the rain is pouring down. You can always count on them whether the path is clean and clear or if the path is dark and murky. God is God when the scan is clear and when it is not. And these are truths that I have learned to trust.
In the last 493 days I have come to realize how much - how very much - I focus on circumstances and situations. I am overwhelmed with how much my faith rises or falls with the changes around me. My mood and my emotions sadly often overshadow my faith. It pains me to admit that. But for most of the journey I have looked at and evaluated life through the lens of my personal experiences. If all is well then my faith is robust. If things are tough or challenging or unclear then I find myself struggling to trust that God is good. And that is not a faith with which I am pleased.
But that has changed in the last 493 days and changed dramatically. God has stretched, prodded and shaped me through this journey. I have learned to look at Him and not at circumstances, to see truth and not situations. I have come to understand how big God is and how loving and wise He is. And I can say that I trust Him - whole-hearted, complete and total trust no matter the circumstances. The nurse may have said today, "There is a problem. We need to meet." And I think I would have still offered a prayer of thanks and praise. Because I am confidently certain that God will be there to hold us, carry us, guide us and love us every single step of the way. He hasn't changed! Let the circumstances be what they are - I am choosing to keep my eyes focused on the Only One who can ever truly be trusted. Our hearts will know pain and bitterness if we focus on the circumstances. Our hearts will know joy and peace when we look at Jesus and not at the circumstances.
I still have a long way to go on this journey. I still have much to learn and my faith still needs to grow. I'm more at peace with the need to grow now than I ever have been because I know that I can trust God as we journey together. I still have bad days and I still struggle and I'm still selfish and sinful. But I trust that God is making me in to a new creation. I trust that its not about me but wholly about Him. And He is always good. I believe that will be true on day 494 ... and day 500 ... and day 1000 and day 3242 and every single day that He gives me on this journey. I trust Him ... and I invite you to join me in looking at Him, not at our individual circumstances. I invite you to join me in praising our God for His abundant goodness through all circumstances.
******************************************************
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."
Isaiah 26:3-4
The nurse oncologist called me today with the results of Suzy's MRI last week. "It all looks good! There is nothing of significance to report or worry about." I paused and offered a prayer of thanks and praise to God. Most certainly God is good. Most assuredly I praise and honor Him for this great news!
But it set me to thinking: would I react differently if the news was different? Would I have said 'thank you' to God if the nurse told me that the tumor was back? Would I be praising Him so boldly and confidently if we found ourselves dealing with recurrent glioblastoma? Would my faith and my trust show differently if we were on a different path of this journey?
Consider these truths: God is always good. God is always loving and gracious. God is holy and pure, strong and wise, powerful, pure and perfect. Always. Those truths do not change when our circumstances change. They are true whether the sun is shining or if the rain is pouring down. You can always count on them whether the path is clean and clear or if the path is dark and murky. God is God when the scan is clear and when it is not. And these are truths that I have learned to trust.
In the last 493 days I have come to realize how much - how very much - I focus on circumstances and situations. I am overwhelmed with how much my faith rises or falls with the changes around me. My mood and my emotions sadly often overshadow my faith. It pains me to admit that. But for most of the journey I have looked at and evaluated life through the lens of my personal experiences. If all is well then my faith is robust. If things are tough or challenging or unclear then I find myself struggling to trust that God is good. And that is not a faith with which I am pleased.
But that has changed in the last 493 days and changed dramatically. God has stretched, prodded and shaped me through this journey. I have learned to look at Him and not at circumstances, to see truth and not situations. I have come to understand how big God is and how loving and wise He is. And I can say that I trust Him - whole-hearted, complete and total trust no matter the circumstances. The nurse may have said today, "There is a problem. We need to meet." And I think I would have still offered a prayer of thanks and praise. Because I am confidently certain that God will be there to hold us, carry us, guide us and love us every single step of the way. He hasn't changed! Let the circumstances be what they are - I am choosing to keep my eyes focused on the Only One who can ever truly be trusted. Our hearts will know pain and bitterness if we focus on the circumstances. Our hearts will know joy and peace when we look at Jesus and not at the circumstances.
I still have a long way to go on this journey. I still have much to learn and my faith still needs to grow. I'm more at peace with the need to grow now than I ever have been because I know that I can trust God as we journey together. I still have bad days and I still struggle and I'm still selfish and sinful. But I trust that God is making me in to a new creation. I trust that its not about me but wholly about Him. And He is always good. I believe that will be true on day 494 ... and day 500 ... and day 1000 and day 3242 and every single day that He gives me on this journey. I trust Him ... and I invite you to join me in looking at Him, not at our individual circumstances. I invite you to join me in praising our God for His abundant goodness through all circumstances.
******************************************************
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."
Isaiah 26:3-4
Thursday, April 7, 2011
"I will be with you"
In the summer of 2009 God spoke to me. He spoke clearly and directly. He told me that Isaiah 43:1-21 would be His promise to me for the coming year. I did not know then what I was facing. There were three or four challenges that autumn. There were several times where I needed the re-assurance and encouragement of those words. They returned to me over and over again. Then in February of 2010 Suzy was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And the words of Isaiah 43 ministered to my heart in a profound way.
Isaiah 43:1-3
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
Today on my prayer walk God brought these words to me again. He told me that they remained as His promise to me in weeks and months ahead. I am comforted, encouraged. I find rest in my weariness and refreshment in my emptiness as the promises of Isaiah 43 re-sound in my head yet again.
Then God told me to share the words with you. He wants you to know that these words are His promise for you as well. In your struggle, in your frustration, in the challenges of your faith. He knew you would need to hear these words and so He asked me to share them with you.
There is nothing that can happen to you in this world that God cannot or will not see you through. He is not threatened by the things that worry us nor is he burdened by the things that consume our thoughts, our time and energy. He simply wants us to know that even if we pass through waters or walk through fire, He will be there. He is with us. He is for us. He is the Holy One and there is no other (v. 10 and 11).
I am praying for you today, my friend. I pray that you will rest in the abundance and re-assurance that this is God's promise specifically for you today.
Isaiah 43:1-3
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
Today on my prayer walk God brought these words to me again. He told me that they remained as His promise to me in weeks and months ahead. I am comforted, encouraged. I find rest in my weariness and refreshment in my emptiness as the promises of Isaiah 43 re-sound in my head yet again.
Then God told me to share the words with you. He wants you to know that these words are His promise for you as well. In your struggle, in your frustration, in the challenges of your faith. He knew you would need to hear these words and so He asked me to share them with you.
There is nothing that can happen to you in this world that God cannot or will not see you through. He is not threatened by the things that worry us nor is he burdened by the things that consume our thoughts, our time and energy. He simply wants us to know that even if we pass through waters or walk through fire, He will be there. He is with us. He is for us. He is the Holy One and there is no other (v. 10 and 11).
I am praying for you today, my friend. I pray that you will rest in the abundance and re-assurance that this is God's promise specifically for you today.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A Message from God for You
I took a prayer walk today. There is a quiet path along the river that gives me an opportunity to walk, reflect and pray about all that is on my mind. Normally I enjoy a time of peaceful worship as I lift in prayer whatever comes to mind.
Today God spoke to me while I was on my walk. Some of you are immediately ready to call the authorities to have me committed. "He thinks he heard God speak to him!" What a chuckle. But some of you are familiar with this concept. And a few of you are nodding in agreement. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it (and ironically I am preaching on this very topic next week!) But today on my prayer walk God spoke to me.
He asked me to write a post on the blog. You are reading my response to His request. I asked God what I should write. He said to just write about what I know to be true. I choose to tell about the profound truth that I have experienced from day 1 of the brain tumor journey: God is more than enough for us. Through the challenging and difficult times of this year God has shown Himself to supply abundantly more than enough grace and peace to see me through. In positive and encouraging times God has offered more than enough joy. His presence with me has always been more than enough to meet my need. And as I look to the future, whether the days are filled with joy or roll in on-going darkness and pain, I remain confident and committed to the solid truth that God's love is more than enough for each moment of the future.
When God asked me to write this I answered 'yes, I will obey.' But then I added that I was not sure that anyone was looking at the blog right now. He spoke again and said that He would prompt someone to read it and that this message would be for that person. So, my dear friend, this is just for you: God wants you to know that He promises to be more than enough for you, for your situation, for your worry, for your struggle, for your pain. I do not know what is going on in your life. But if you feel that God led you to read this blog, then know that this is His message for you: "I will see you through, I will carry you, I will be more than enough for your need."
I know from first-hand experience that this is true. I promise. I know. I've known it without compromise every single day for a year. And it is a truth that will carry me forward every single day. I encourage you to rest today in this truth: God is more than enough.
Today God spoke to me while I was on my walk. Some of you are immediately ready to call the authorities to have me committed. "He thinks he heard God speak to him!" What a chuckle. But some of you are familiar with this concept. And a few of you are nodding in agreement. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it (and ironically I am preaching on this very topic next week!) But today on my prayer walk God spoke to me.
He asked me to write a post on the blog. You are reading my response to His request. I asked God what I should write. He said to just write about what I know to be true. I choose to tell about the profound truth that I have experienced from day 1 of the brain tumor journey: God is more than enough for us. Through the challenging and difficult times of this year God has shown Himself to supply abundantly more than enough grace and peace to see me through. In positive and encouraging times God has offered more than enough joy. His presence with me has always been more than enough to meet my need. And as I look to the future, whether the days are filled with joy or roll in on-going darkness and pain, I remain confident and committed to the solid truth that God's love is more than enough for each moment of the future.
When God asked me to write this I answered 'yes, I will obey.' But then I added that I was not sure that anyone was looking at the blog right now. He spoke again and said that He would prompt someone to read it and that this message would be for that person. So, my dear friend, this is just for you: God wants you to know that He promises to be more than enough for you, for your situation, for your worry, for your struggle, for your pain. I do not know what is going on in your life. But if you feel that God led you to read this blog, then know that this is His message for you: "I will see you through, I will carry you, I will be more than enough for your need."
I know from first-hand experience that this is true. I promise. I know. I've known it without compromise every single day for a year. And it is a truth that will carry me forward every single day. I encourage you to rest today in this truth: God is more than enough.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Worth the Wait - Another One Year Reflection
One year ago today, February 23 2010, Suzy underwent surgery to remove a mass from the left temporal lobe of her brain. I spent that day in the hospital family waiting room. I spent the hours wondering, praying, longing, hoping ... worrying. The wait seemed endless. Even after Suzy was out of surgery I waited while she was in the recovery ICU and until she was ready for visitors. It was painful. It was excruciating. It was a very, very, VERY long day.
Little did I know at the time, but that was the beginning of a year of waiting. Even now one year later there is much of my life that is in a holding pattern while I wait on God. I've rebelled against waiting. I've shouted and shook my fist, demanding to have answers and direction immediately. Still I waited. And slowly, surprisingly - sometimes painfully - something happened. While I waited God was at work in me. Waiting became an important avenue through which God wanted to form a new Barry.
So with some hesitancy and with some embarrassment over my behavior, I share with you one of several journal entries I've written about waiting in the last year:
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
The answers are not always simple or obvious. There are times that we are required to wait before we can receive the results of a test. Job applicants are often informed that a decision may not be made for weeks. They are left, waiting, to discover the answers to their application. A host issues party invitations and then waits for each person to respond. No reason to buy groceries or plan seating until all those invited have responded. Just wait.
Perhaps the most challenging aspect of waiting for answers is when we ask God for direction but do not yet have a clear sense of His answer. We want to know which college to attend or what to do about a certain problem that has been bothering us. We ask God. Then we wait.
I’ve often thought there must be a more efficient way of getting answers from God. Surely there must be a simpler way to give me direction or help me with a decision. Waiting and wondering cannot be the most efficient or effective way for humans to discern God’s will in their lives. Yet it is most often the method God chooses. While we wait for answers He is busy with something, only revealing the answer when He knows that we are ready or when the situation warrants our action.
What is it about our world, about our lives that makes us think that we can achieve without waiting? What messages, subtle or overt, have we received that indicated we somehow deserve to have what we want without waiting? I wonder what happened in my life that made me dislike waiting so intensely. Do I really believe that I deserve to have answers, results, direction before they are ready?
Waiting for answers creates anxiety. We may wonder if we missed something or were unaware of God’s direction. We think that other people are moving forward with clarity so we should be also. The pressure to know the answer, whether self-imposed or placed on us by others, can be overtly intense. The resulting anxiety can literally make us ill. It might manifest physical symptoms that make the waiting even worse!
So consider this startling truth: Whether it is answers to our questions or results of our blood test, waiting is the normal medium through which we will receive that for which we look. We will not receive our answers magically, through the wave of our hand or the snap of our fingers. The answers cannot be produced by wishing (or praying) harder. The normal route to receive that for which we look is …waiting.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
And while I've waited, God has begun to reveal Himself to me in new ways. He has worked on some of the rough edges of my character (there are plenty) and molded me, little by little, to be a bit less like me and bit more like Jesus. He has used me to encourage other people and allowed me to see things that I would have otherwise missed. (When you sit and wait you have time that was never before available to see God's hand at work and His will slowly revealed before your eyes.) In the midst of waiting I have felt held by God. Held. I have sensed His presence in the middle of a dry and barren wilderness. There have been overwhelming experiences of discovering that even if I do not have the answers or know the future plan I am nevertheless still loved, cherished, and valued. I am reminded again that I am a precious child of the Most High God!
And all of this happened while I was waiting.
Little did I know at the time, but that was the beginning of a year of waiting. Even now one year later there is much of my life that is in a holding pattern while I wait on God. I've rebelled against waiting. I've shouted and shook my fist, demanding to have answers and direction immediately. Still I waited. And slowly, surprisingly - sometimes painfully - something happened. While I waited God was at work in me. Waiting became an important avenue through which God wanted to form a new Barry.
So with some hesitancy and with some embarrassment over my behavior, I share with you one of several journal entries I've written about waiting in the last year:
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
The answers are not always simple or obvious. There are times that we are required to wait before we can receive the results of a test. Job applicants are often informed that a decision may not be made for weeks. They are left, waiting, to discover the answers to their application. A host issues party invitations and then waits for each person to respond. No reason to buy groceries or plan seating until all those invited have responded. Just wait.
Perhaps the most challenging aspect of waiting for answers is when we ask God for direction but do not yet have a clear sense of His answer. We want to know which college to attend or what to do about a certain problem that has been bothering us. We ask God. Then we wait.
I’ve often thought there must be a more efficient way of getting answers from God. Surely there must be a simpler way to give me direction or help me with a decision. Waiting and wondering cannot be the most efficient or effective way for humans to discern God’s will in their lives. Yet it is most often the method God chooses. While we wait for answers He is busy with something, only revealing the answer when He knows that we are ready or when the situation warrants our action.
What is it about our world, about our lives that makes us think that we can achieve without waiting? What messages, subtle or overt, have we received that indicated we somehow deserve to have what we want without waiting? I wonder what happened in my life that made me dislike waiting so intensely. Do I really believe that I deserve to have answers, results, direction before they are ready?
Waiting for answers creates anxiety. We may wonder if we missed something or were unaware of God’s direction. We think that other people are moving forward with clarity so we should be also. The pressure to know the answer, whether self-imposed or placed on us by others, can be overtly intense. The resulting anxiety can literally make us ill. It might manifest physical symptoms that make the waiting even worse!
So consider this startling truth: Whether it is answers to our questions or results of our blood test, waiting is the normal medium through which we will receive that for which we look. We will not receive our answers magically, through the wave of our hand or the snap of our fingers. The answers cannot be produced by wishing (or praying) harder. The normal route to receive that for which we look is …waiting.
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And while I've waited, God has begun to reveal Himself to me in new ways. He has worked on some of the rough edges of my character (there are plenty) and molded me, little by little, to be a bit less like me and bit more like Jesus. He has used me to encourage other people and allowed me to see things that I would have otherwise missed. (When you sit and wait you have time that was never before available to see God's hand at work and His will slowly revealed before your eyes.) In the midst of waiting I have felt held by God. Held. I have sensed His presence in the middle of a dry and barren wilderness. There have been overwhelming experiences of discovering that even if I do not have the answers or know the future plan I am nevertheless still loved, cherished, and valued. I am reminded again that I am a precious child of the Most High God!
And all of this happened while I was waiting.
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